seven random questions with emily flake

I conducted the following interview via email back in 2006. Emily Flake remains my favorite comic artist.

1. Name a musical act that you would enjoy destroying. What is your preferred technique?
Sufjan Stevens. Immolation.

2. Where is the best place to get shitfaced when one is visiting Baltimore, and how many times have you been thrown out of there?
There are so many great bars in Baltimore that it's difficult to pick just one... if you held a gun to my head I guess I'd have to say Hogan's Alley, nee Cox's, which is so cheap and friendly that it'll make you weep giant salty tears into your two-dollar cocktail. Oh, did you ruin your cocktail by crying into it? No matter - IT'S TWO FUCKING DOLLARS. Maybe like $2.50. But still.
I'm proud to say that as of this writing I have never been thrown out of a bar. I have fallen straight on my ass in a bar, I have engaged in quiet, desperate vomiting in the ladies' room in a bar, I have threatened to break someone's nose in a bar, but never have I caused myself to be ejected from the premises. Maybe "proud" is the wrong word here. It is not as if this makes me a good person.

3. Lamer of two lames: Bil Keane or Brad Anderson?
Anderson. Bil Keane's preachiness and ghostly grandpa bullshit is irritating, but there's just nothing there in the Marmaduke. Plus I've always hated that fucking baby. Whatsername. Trixie. Ugh.

4. What is your favorite food that takes less than five minutes to prepare?
Five minutes for me or five for someone else? 'Cause those fuckers at Rice Thai Kitchen can serve up a duck in about 4:40. But if you mean the former, I like a big whack of Dubliner cheese and some avocado. Or carrots and hummus. Or bell pepper and goat cheese. Or HEAVY CREAM STRAIGHT FROM THE CARTON.

5. How would you build an alarm clock for deaf people?
Why, genital electrodes, of course. Next!

6. Speaking of deaf people, you have just come down with selective smallpox, a rare (but heart-wrenching) disease that makes you choose one sense to lose. What's it gonna be?
Well, if it's smallpox, I guess I'd go with touch, 'cause maybe then it wouldn't itch so bad. I can see that having some really disastrous side effects however, so I'll go with taste. Lose my fat ass some weight maybe.

7. The Michael Jackson song "Billie Jean" was inspired by a crazy woman jumping the fence at Jacko's house and insisting that one of her twin sons was his child. For whom would you go off the deep end, and what is your preferred method of Heche?
Pruitt Taylor Vince. Best of all, he's got some fucked up eye condition that makes it hard for him to see, so I probably wouldn't even have to be very crafty to get close. I think I'd just creep very quietly into his lap, curl up, and take a little snooze.

Thanks, Emily. I feel the need for some bourbon and cookies.

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Emily Flake is the creator of Lulu Eightball, my favorite comic of all time. You can peruse more of her work at eflakeagogo.